Here is a guest post from Sam.
As I walk to my car from class, heading
home to an empty apartment, I see all these students hanging out; sitting on
the grass, laughing. I look back on my college career-how much I learned, and
how many things I missed out on. The things that I missed out on due to the
apathy I have felt for so long. Missed parties, friends, life-changing
experiences. Instead of enjoying my freshman year, I was living with a person
dealing with the beginning stages of schizophrenia. From that point on,
everything seemed...pointless. I was in love with someone that, under no
control of his, was lying about everything and led me on to the point of my
almost dropping out of school and moving away with him. That year, I've
realized, has impacted every aspect of my life since then. For the next year, I
secluded myself from everything and everyone. I lived in a dorm with no
roommate and spent all of my free time there. During this time, my depression
grew, and I moved further within myself. Shortly after school was over, I moved
to the state I was born in, hoping this would make my life better. I learned
pretty quickly that I couldn't move away from my problems. I started to pretend
that I was like everyone else- a normal, happy college student. And what did
that get me? Hatred of myself, basically. I no longer know who I am. I can't
hide the sadness anymore. I spend all of my time now thinking about being down,
which just makes me feel worse. I find stories online, and quotes, that
describe how I feel, like http://www.lifequoteslove.com/. Why do I torture myself, trying to make myself
feel worse? I never put myself out there to meet friends. Instead I am sitting
home, secluding myself from everyone, being hard on myself. How do I get out of
this funk? How do I be happy again?
What
I am starting to realize is that pretending that I am happy and pushing all my
feelings down is making me worse. I have given up doing anything for myself.
Now, I find myself on the other side of the country from anyone that I know
with a guy that I convinced myself was too good for me so I should be
everything he wants. I have sacrificed so much of myself for him, and for what?
He yells at me almost every day, telling me that I am not good enough.
I'm sorry to hear that Sam. Hope you find the courage to leave him, no one deserves to be treated that way. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteSam, while reading your blogpost I was really able to relate from a similiar situation. I was diagnosed with major depression at the age of 13. I don't think anyone really understands what depression is until they experience it for themselves. I went off for college excited and passionate about the great priviledge of being a student and coming closer to my goals. I lived by myself in a dorm. My depression soon came to creep at my door. I also was involved in a bad relationship that added to my depression. I remember walking through the campus not even feeling alive or in my own body. I was just watching people as if I was behind some window and couldn't exactly reach out. I would miss school and instead lock myself in my dorm for days... id only come out for food or to use the restroom. Id sleep all day... cry... try to figure out why i felt so empty... so sad and such a desire to not exist. I missed work too. I remember one time where I missed school for about a week and a half. During that time days were long yet passed in minutes. My grades were dropping... and I remember the day I broke down in my bathroom realizing my depression had taken me so far away from the life I wanted. School became almost impossible to catch up in. I knew I had to drop out of school to get myself together. It was one of the most hardest things ive done as my education is so very important. Of course this is only a glimpse of where depression has taken me but I assure you, you are not alone Sam.
DeleteSam,
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has gone through a very similar situation. For three years she spent all of her engery trying to make a relationship work with a person who needed far more help than she could ever give.
She appears to finally be breaking away from that prison. I see light in her eyes that I have not seen in years. I know you can break away also. You are a valuable person. You are worthy of happiness. You can take control of your life.
I don't know you...but I care.
Trisha
Sweeie, I will not lie to you. I do not know your situation exactly, but I've been through similar experiences. I know enough to know that this guy is not and will never help you through what you need help with. A person who sincerely thinks that you are not 'good enough' is a person that has issues far beyond your own. It may be hard, and I have no place telling you to leave him, but it may be in your best interests. The longer you stay with him, the worse his abuse will become. I don't know you, but you don't deserve that.
ReplyDeleteSounds shocking. My son was diagnosed with clinical depression whilst he was in university (Australian college) and it was a huge shock to me as I thought it only effected older people. I found tips like this website has http://www.top10thingsblog.com/2012/05/18/top-10-natural-ways-treat-depression/
ReplyDeletethat provide natural treatments instead of hard drugs that i've never been happy with taking. Other tips I have for you is to try talk to friends and family as he told me that was the best for him.
Hope it helps
I understand how you feel, I've experienced that as well and what I did is I choose to stay away from that person and it really helped. Always remember that we have our own choices and options, that is yes and no.
ReplyDeleteI, too, suffered from pretty bad depression in college, so I understand the feeling of wasted opportunity. Try not to be hard on yourself for the decisions you've made from that state -- it's not your fault, and you do not deserve the consequences. Try to start taking small steps in the direction of self-care. Even one tiny step a day (or a week!) can add up to something big. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh Sam....I too suffered such debilitating depression until I was 28. I think it had always been there but came on strong in my college years. I secluded myself further and further and my self-confidence was devastatingly low. I finally turned my life around by committing to exercise and I did it all from home. Please trust me it's the best thing you could ever do for yourself. You just have to make the commitment. I can help you.
ReplyDeleteCheck out my recent blog: www.simplifiedbeing.com/health.html
Sam.... I know your story so very well... in fact I lived it! Please contact me as I have a present for you....
ReplyDeleteMy name is Denise and I have been living with Bi-Polar Disorder over 30 years. It has lead me on a journey of finding my recovery. I have written an excellent motivational book entitled "Captivity or Freedom" a must read for all with Behavioral Health Illness looking for wellness. Also, feel free to read my blog http://justme2616.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteThta is quite hard of a situation to live by. I am very sorry to hear that. I suggest you talk to experts. There are quite a few of them here who would love to help you out.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your kind words. I have been getting so discouraged with myself, believing that I was the one who was wrong, but I don't think that anymore. I recently went on a trip for my brother's wedding, and when I came back, my significant other had no interest in me being home it seemed. When I asked him about it, he got mad at me for not being supportive of his being upset, and called me the B word. The next day, I asked him not to call me that anymore, that there are other ways to say things, but he refused, and called me it two more times. I have given up so much for him, and not sure where I can go from here, but something needs to change.
ReplyDeleteHi sam.
ReplyDeleteI think i'm going through a similar situation as i'm also a college student fighting depression.
I do not like going out, which is just as well because i don't have many friends to begin with. I've let life pass me by, i'm constantly anxious about things that i have no immediate control over, basically i'm a mess. Bt with each day i'm learning to cope as i've recenly hit the two year mark since diagnoses. All the best
chillout dude...just breathe and beleive
ReplyDeleteThis article helped me: The Do’s and Don’ts of Stress Management. Hope it will help you as well!
ReplyDeletehey Sam,
ReplyDeleteyou ask the question How do I get out of this funk.
To start fighting your depression you need to start to take control of your life.
If you are living with someone that is not making you happy you need to change that. you need to start to find things that make you laugh. Is there anyone in your family that you can call or visit and talk about your problem. It seem that you know the cause of your depression, now you and no one else have to start take action before the issue get worse.
Anthony
Hi Sam,
ReplyDeleteI have a quite different approach to the situation, I think that just like how you are feeling down and depressed, your friend is probably also feeling bad and unhappy with himself. I think that its fine for you to leave the person, however if by chance you wish to stay with that person, then try to talk and open up to him (and vice-versa). Sometimes, the solution is closer than you think. I can tell that you are strong, your not as weak as you think you are, I think that you are much stronger (not physically, but mentally) than your friend, and honestly I think he is the one who really needs help. You don't have to stay with that person, (I'm definitely not forcing you to) but just imagine, what if that person also opens up to you, and tells you his part of the story; imagine that you both may end up very happy together. All I'm saying is don't rush this decision, ofcourse, follow what your heart feels, I definitely believe your own feelings come first no matter what.
Yours Sincerely,
Joey
Dear Sam,
ReplyDeleteCheck out http://newgen.nithyananda.org/break-free-from-depression/deaddiction/. It gives me a lot of insight and the technique is extremely powerful. Hope to hear you out of depression soon!
My name is sam too and I am sort of depressed too. I didn't know what to do and I googled sam depressed and found this blot. Reading ur post and the comments make me realize that so many people r depressed around the world. Perhaps its a human thing. Fuck everybody you be happy first.
ReplyDeleteLove sam (who istrying to be happy too)
My name is Chris, I am in my 50's and have suffered with depression since i was mid-teen years. Having been on and off a cocktail of medication, my condition comes more severely at times (from a week to a year) and is always with me.
ReplyDeleteI too have tried changes in direction and lifestyle, employment speciality and general activities - there does no seem to be a long term solution as such.
For the last 20 years I have been working with students, many of them suffering a degree of mental illness (although of course many of them do not realise that is whats happening) all I can do i listen and be there for them if they ask questions.
I cannot foresee a time when I will be well. I'm not even sure what 'well' means anymore.
I am having a very bad time at the moment - I cannot explain how bad it is. I hope that given more time it will subside a little.
Take care of yourselves.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteHave you ever been using any of these medicines for depression ?
Thanks!
Dear Sam.. I'M also going through a similar situation.. check out his page and try to get some solution
ReplyDeletehttp://www.stressanddepressionfacts.com/stress_articles/depression_recovery.html
You need to get yourself back again, and thats spending some time on you, you need to remove all the badness out your life, your boyfreinds insults and get yourself back, you deserve it, get a counsellor to talk too if you can so then you can talk about your issues without feeling like a burden to someone xx
ReplyDeleteIs medicines really a good idea to deal with depression or should it be treated with natural techniques ??
ReplyDeleteI believe, depression is more to do with mind, hence it should be dealt with techniques that relaxes the miond rather than taking pills that influences the body not to pass on the messages to the mind.
I came to know about something called YES+ (specially for youth) and I have seen so many people sharing experience of it...
No medicines and depression flies out...
http://www.artoflivingsecrets.com/2012/07/breathe-magic-of-yes-part-1.html
I can't belive you're feeling that way kiddo. I have the same issues with college right now I do go but I've secluded myself I decided to sort of give my life to another person who's basically ignoring me now due to my mental illness which was so obvious I had to tell him. I got a lotttt of unresolved past issues you see. This has been going on for almost 5 years. I'm desperate, tired. I'm finally comming out, taking medication and comming out of it. But it's gonna take time and it's what most ppl don't get. I told my mom, cause unfortunately I still live with her. I told her: "I need to face my fears before I go out and "be happy" " as she tells me to feel all the time. I can go to a party and distract myself, but that will never distract my feelings. I am going to a psychologist tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteWe are getting through this. We will get through this. If you ever need anyone to talk you can contact me I got a blog as well dealing with dep... just started it though.
Well with your permission allow me to grab your rss feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the effective work.Natural remedies to treat depression
ReplyDeleteI went through a time that I was in a very depressed state.. I sought comfort and started a relationship with an ex bf that wasn't always the best guy. I found myself in a very similar situation to what you described. I struggled with walking away, but ultimately a few comments that friends said made me walk away.
ReplyDelete1. You deserve someone who is going to be nice and support to you ALL of the time.
I always "knew" that the reason he wasn't always nice to me was because of his own insecurities, but it was a constant struggle trying to break down his walls and stop the defensive attitude. I'm not sure if I wanted to fix him or if I just couldn't leave knowing that under his own struggle, there was a great guy. But eventually, none of that mattered. What matters is my own well-being... and yours.
2. Try spending a day or a few days away from it. No contact, calls, emails, texts. nothing. and see how you feel.
I felt relieved and at ease when I wasn't constantly worried about whatever was happening between us. There was a constant tension that was relieved.
3. Would you want your future/potential son to grow up with him as a father/be like him?
Despite WHY he is acting like that, he is.... and if he was to act like that with my future child, I wouldn't be okay with it.
Ultimately, these ideas helped me. Hope it helps you or makes you think about things. Good luck - and you are worthy of your biggest dreams.